It's Over

The fucking conference, that is. Now, I officially start to wind down and transition. Zygote is coming soon.

Things I Am Excited About:
* Nice weather this weekend
* Weekend childbirth class
* First Anniversary weekend pressies and surprises

Things In The Deep Dark Recesses of My Soul That I Probably Should Write About But Would Prefer To Repress
* Zygote is coming soon. I am going to be somebody's mom. Need to grow a pair quick.
* The Evil Cameltoe is making the MG miserable, and I will suppress the urge to .....everything.
* Zygote is coming soon. Mandatory pay cut. Economy in shambles. Our landlord is probably moving away next June. YIKES!

Behold: The iMac

We bought a new computer today so hopefully that means that posting will be a little less sporadic. I haven't had a Mac since the awesome PowerMac I bought in 1994 when I first got to college that I used mainly for typing and then really, really slow dial up when I thought the Internets were for browsing song lyrics. Our home PC died last Fall, and well, I've just been making do. How? I don't know. Especially when I've spent the last hour staring slack jawed at all of the awesomeness that is the iMac.

Recreating my iTunes library is going to suck. I had about 7000 songs and I backed up about 100 of those. But I've got the time and I am thrilled to have music back in our lives again. It's been a bit of a dry spell. I am so far removed from cool, I don't even know where to begin.

What else? The work conference from hell begins on Monday so if I can make it through this week, I'm in the clear for starting to think about my exit plan. Also negotiating my maternity leave. And just getting bigger and bigger. I had to take a nap today after a trip to the mall to buy the computer. I'm guessing this does not bode well for the next few weeks. But Zygote is still healthy and has successfully wedged his or her legs right under my ribcage in preparation for the eventual migration south.

Not much by way of an update, but shit, we've been BUSY.

So Much For That Whole 40 Days Thing

Big surprise - I wasn't able to keep up with that idea. It's not that I haven't been grateful and/or happy. I've just been insanely busy. Work, baby, travel -- it feels like it's all piling up so writing, blogging, and marketing my shit has kind of taken a back seat. I feel guilty about this, but YG tells me not to stress about not taking another thing on right now.

So some good things:
* Only 8 weeks to go. Zygote is still growing and appears to be doing okay. Watching my belly undulate right now.
* In 3 weeks, work project from hell will be over.
* I went home to NJ last week, and my mom and aunt threw me a surprise shower. WE HAVE STUFF. Woo! And I got to see NN and BB for the first time in a while. Pictures to come.
* We hired a doula, and she seems pretty level-headed and normal.
* Our taxes didn't suck nearly as much as we thought they were.
* Greatest One Hit Wonders of the 80s.
* My writing class this semster was cancelled. I'm sad, but think it's for the best. It was unlikely that I'd be able to finish it, and I would have probably felt guilty about not being into it 100%.
* Spring!
* IOWA!

I, obviously, am having some sort of writing block, but hope to get back on schedule soon.

Decision Making

I meant to post this yesterday, but I wanted to get to bed. We had a pretty good experience interviewing a doula last night. I've had mixed feelings about whether or not I want a doula. Everyone says that they are very valuable, but I couldn't imagine sharing this very personal experience with a stranger. YG had similar feelings.

I thought I wanted a natural childbirth with no drugs, but I wasn't really clear on the reasons. We watched The Business of Being Born and read Birthing From Within , and now I have a clearer understanding of why this is a good idea in theory, but I'm still not clear on why I'm committed to it. Is it crazy competitive parenting? Is it because I'm afraid of missing something? Am I afraid of being judged? I don't know.

YG said that he thinks the way I'm presenting this says something about my true feelings. I've told people that I wanted to try for a natural childbirth, but that I wouldn't feel bad if I had an epidural. I told this to him, my doctor, the doula, the nurse at the hospital, etc. I thought this was the truth, but he thinks (and I agree) that there's an element of fear there -- that I don't know if I want to commit to natural childbirth. And well, that IS TRUE. Honestly, I can't imagine getting a needle in my spine -- that sounds horrifying and terrifying. But I also can't understand pain so bad that I would deliberately choose to have a needle in my spine.

I have a lot of thinking to do. If I want to commit to doing this naturally, I think the doula will be able to help both YG and I get through it. But if I'm already thinking, in the back of my mind, that I might want the epidural at some point, then why spend the money? Why add this other person in? I have to write it all out.

Grateful that I have choices, though.

A Good Night's Sleep

I'm at the point of being totally uncomfortable at night: getting up multiple times, rearranging pillows, tossing and turning. Add in sweatiness and bloody noses and it's all good times. I finally slept a bit last night, and it was so nice. I only woke up twice and I managed to be somewhat comfortable. Today, I felt relatively okay and somewhat alive at work. It's so hectic and crazy and I'm afraid that the other people on my team are picking up my slack, so I have my fingers crossed for a few more good nights.

Super Secret Birthday Weekend

Coming down off a fabulous weekend to celebrate YG's birthday. His actual birthday was a month ago, but we had business travel, NJ travel, and work shit to get to so no super secret birthday weekend until now. We started Super Secret Birthday Weekends a few years ago. He took me to San Francisco for my 30th, I took him to Vegas for his 40th, he took me to NYC for my 31st and 32nd birthdays, etc. It's fun to plan a trip entirely on your own, trying to create an itinerary that you know the other person will love.

This year, I knew we wouldn't be able to travel far and that we were trying to save money, so we stayed local. YG suspected this, but he wasn't entirely sure until we were in the car. We stopped first to pick up cupcakes at Kick Ass, and then I drove us over to The Hotel Marlowe, the hotel where we got married less than a year ago. They hooked us up with champagne and a room with a great view, only a few doors down from the one we stayed in during our wedding. The doormen were the same great guys and remembered us as the wedding "with all the people from New Jersey." :-)

We hung around the room for a while before heading over to Inman Oasis where I had scheduled a massage and hot tub soak for YG. I had my own prenatal massage, and about 5 minutes into that, I remembered that I don't particularly like massages. I stuck it out, though, and I'm glad. I feel so much better today. The belly cut out in the bed made me laugh, as did the gymnastics I needed to pull off to get myself OFF the table. They let me soak my feet in the community tub, and YG later joined me.

We went to Oleana for dinner, and nearly died from the fabulousness. The food was amazing. We had small plates and then shared delicious desserts -- a baked alaska with burnt coconut ice cream and a sesame almond tart with salted butter and caramel ice cream -- the ice cream flavor we've been searching for since Bertillon in Paris. It was amazing!

This morning, we cancelled the lunch reservations that I made and ordered room service and read magazines and just lounged around. We stopped for a tour of the Labor & Delivery ward on the way back home and then cooked dinner for the week.

Happy Birthday, YG! I'm grateful that I'm able to give you fun excursions like this.

Today: Grooming

It's hard to get excited about clothes and shoes when you are 7.5 months pregnant, forced to wear flats and bulging out of everything you own. So I appreciate the small things. A nice necklace, a cool bag, wearing earrings. I always forget to wear jewelry, but I've been doing it more so lately because I've been rotating the same 8 outfits for months now.

This morning, I decided to get my hair washed and blown out. This is, by far, one of my favorite things in the world. If I ever win the lotto and become ridiculously rich, I will hire someday to come to my house every few days and blow out my hair. I'm too lazy to do it myself, and when I do bother, it never looks as nice and shiny. My hair, which is already crazy thick and hard to deal with, has not fallen out AT ALL during this pregnancy so most of the time, it feels like I'm wearing a toupee and I just feel ratty. But not today. It feels light and it's shiny, and it's the small things. I'm taking YG away this weekend for Super Secret Birthday Weekend, and I'm just happy to be looking, well, decent.

Friday: Sanity Check

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday morning that went relatively well. Zygote is jumpy and healthy again, but it, to quote the doctor, "looks like I am working on a big baby." Gulp. She is also worried about my weight. I gained more weight than I should have, am now over 200 lbs, and she thinks it might affect the baby's size and the process of having the baby. :-( I also don't have to keep eating my 300 extra calories a day anymore, since I have "some to spare." She was really nice about it, and not at all shaming, but UGH. I made it about two blocks before bursting into tears, and had YG talk me off the ledge.

I could have had a shitty day, but I'm grateful that I have decent friends who pointed out that I'm doing all the right things and that it isn't something to really worry about. Everyone seems to be getting the same kinds of weight advice, I shouldn't take it personally, and I am NOT doing anything harmful to my kid. I eat okay most of the time and I still work out five days a week, and I didn't dwell on it for THAT long. My friends are awesome.

Thursday's Gratitude: Restaurant Week With Friends

I worked late on Thursday and then met SKB at Upstairs on the Square for more Restaurant Week yumminess. I chatted with the nice bartenders before she arrived, had the BEST fried artichoke and pizza and then some yummy bread pudding. All for about $30. Woo hoo! YG met us later after his own Restaurant Week date and we just hung out. Good end to a stressful week.

Wednesday's Gratitude

I'm behind. Kind of a crazy week. But I did manage to catch up on my Target: Women episodes. LOVE this girl.

Grateful for Small Reprieves

I worked at home today which basically means that I rolled out of bed in my pajamas and was online slaving away at ungodly hours. I worked all the way through, taking one break to go get a delicious maple scone at Diesel. The frosting was perfect, and it made me smile for a short bit. Tons of conference calls this afternoon, an unexpected work project, fires to put out, but we logged off at 5 to get to Mt. Auburn Hospital to meet the doctors who work in Labor & Delivery. I feel infinitely better. Everyone seemed reasonable and willing to work with whatever plan we have in mind, and they have a really low C-section rate which makes me happy. We're meeting one of our doula candidates on Monday night. After the doctor visit, we had a Restaurant Week dinner at Harvest and then came back home where unfortunately, we are all back working again. But the reprieves? They are good. They keep the rest in perspective.

And Tomorrow

I will be remember to write my Fuck It List, as opposed to my Bucket List. But my laptop if running out of batteries.

Today's Gratitude: First Church

YG and I first started going to First Church about 2.5 years ago when we both realized that we wanted to find a church to go to. We were both raised Catholic but were more or less kicked out when we got divorced. We shopped around for churches, but none felt right. And then we walked into First Church and everything just changed. We were where we were supposed to be.

I don't generally like to talk religion or church because it generally freaks people out and makes them assume you are some kind of Jesus freak. So I keep it personal, as I think most religion and/or faith should be.

Every quarter, First Church offers a healing mass. They sing nice songs and the people who want or need to get to talk to a deacon or the pastor and tell them what's on their mind. Then they bless you, offer you some kind words and send you on your way. It's a little bit like Confession, but out in the open. Sometimes, I need it and other times I find myself annoyed because it takes so long and I long for the days of Catholic Mass because at least you know you're ALWAYS going to get out in 50 minutes or less.

Today, I was fairly certain I didn't need it, but then I just started crying in church for I don't know what reason. I've been overly emotional these past few days, realizing that we have just 11 weeks left until Zygote shows up. There's a lot of work we need to do and I'm overly stressed at my job, and just wondering how I'm going to handle having a baby; if I'm suited to have a baby because I'm so selfish; if I'm going to be a shitty mother; if YG and I are going to fall apart; if I'm going to have no life left -- basically I'm overwhelmed with how much my life is going to change. I'm sure this is all normal and everybody feels this way, but I'm just on edge. So I said my bit, all snot faced and weepy, and I got my healing prayer and I immediately felt better.

I don't know if it works for everyone, but it worked for me. And I'm grateful.

Thank God for Syracuse Basketball

Won in 6 overtimes on Thursday and then overtime again last night. 51-43 right now, and they're looking very tired. Fingers crossed for another miracle.

Grateful For: Adult Weekend

OMG, so glad that it's Friday. Work is crazy busy, and Zygote is not cooperating. I am up every few hours during the night, tossing and turning, and the iron deficiency is only making me even more tired. Every day, around 2 p.m., I feel like I am going to DIE. But now, it's Friday and I have a whole adult weekend ahead of me. YG is bringing the MG back to her mom's tomorrow morning, and then we're going to just hang out and get some errands done and go to the gym and SLEEP. And then on Sunday, we'll go to brunch and walk around and cook at home. It will be nice and slow and I need it.

Today: Music and The Fun Facebook Notes About It

Sadly, I did not run into Bono last night. But I did enjoy the people watching in the Square and having a delicious dinner of ice cream, followed by potato skins with drunk YG and his slightly-less-drunk friend. We milled around a bit and talked to some fun local folks, but no Bono. Did I mention that I love where I live? How cool is it that fucking U2(!!!!!) played two blocks from my house in perhaps the most uncomfortable venue I've ever seen a show in? Cool.

In other music themes, the new note passing through Facebook is 26 albums. NN sent it to me and I actually had fun with it, and was grateful for the break from work. Cut and pasted from over there.

Think of 26 albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that, no matter what they were thought of musically, shaped your world. When you finish, tag 26 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Readers should feel free to guess (or ask) why particular albums are there.

The Early Years -- or mostly things my parents had in vinyl
1. Beatles -- 1967-1970(The Blue Album)
2. Beatles -- Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
3. Simon and Garfunkel -- Sounds of Silence
4. The Pointer Sisters -- Break Out. (We used to listen to this all.the.time. And dance. And then the record would jump and scratch. So cheesey.)
5. Diana Ross and The Supremes -- Merry Christmas (I love/d this album. It was my dad's. We listened to it every year, along with one that featured Perry Cuomo's head in a Christmas wreath.)
6. Madonna -- Like A Virgin. (I believe there is a videotape of me somewhere singing "Dress You Up" on our kitchen table.)
7. Bruce Springsteen -- Born in the USA. (First cassette tape I ever owned.)

High School -- or I'm so sad and suburban angsty
8. The Cure -- Disintegration
9. The Cure -- Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me
10. Pavement -- Slanted and Enchanted
11. The Pixies -- Doolittle
12. Sonic Youth -- Goo
13. Teenage Fanclub -- Bandwagonesque
14. Nirvana -- Smells Like Teen Spirit (yeah, I KNOW. But I listened to it all.the.time)

College -- I'm not so sad, but I am so cool
15. Radiohead -- The Bends (psycho roommate on benders)
16. Radiohead -- OK Computer (painting 913)
17. Smashing Pumpkins -- Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness (Lawrinson)
18. Liz Phair -- Exile in Guyville
19. Pixies -- Bossanova
20. Afghan Whigs -- Black Love (back and forth to Chicago)
21. Ani DiFranco -- a tie between Little Plastic Castle and Not a Pretty Girl

Post-college -- I am totally devolving and the fact that I don't listen to the radio means that I think Belle and Sebastian is a "new" band
22. Magnetic Fields -- 69 Love Songs
23. Bob Dylan -- Blood on The Tracks
24. Bruce Springsteen -- The Wild, The Innocent, and The E Street Shuffle
25. Death Cab for Cutie -- We Have The Facts and We're Voting Yes (405)
26. Wilco -- Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

And there are so many more. I had a really hard time with this. Also, I desperately need some new recommendations.

Yesterday: When The Mainstream Media Gets It Right

Newsweek ran this story, Five Mistakes We Make When We Talk About Rihanna, yesterday. I don't know who Chris Brown is and I didn't know anything about Rihanna other than the umbrella song and her Cover Girl commercials, but I've been watching the coverage of their domestic dispute, horrified. I can't believe how many people are just blowing this off and saying that people should give the dude a break. This story puts it in perspective. Do NOT read the comments section if you want a break from douchebaggery.

Also, in other media news, my serious crush on our President has not abated. A White House Council on Women and Girls? Lurve.



Also, thankful for Feministing because I probably would not be following all these stories without them.

Grateful For: The Third Trimester

Well, I made it. I'm here at 28 weeks, officially in the third trimester. We're sitting on the couch, watching The Biggest Loser like we normally do on Tuesday nights, and Zygote is using my rib cage as some sort of percussion instrument. I can feel him or her almost every day now, and it's just freaky and weird and cool. According to the calendar over at AlphaMom, s/he is about 2.5 pounds. Now that I'm here, it's hard to remember all the anxiety and paranoia of the first trimester, but I was scared almost all of the time. And now I'm here. I just need to stay healthy for the next 12 weeks and then I get to meet this person.

That's rather gushy, but there you go.

Today: Feminism

Kate Harding has a great post over at Shapely Prose about International Women's Day. The whole piece is worth reading, along with the comments, but these two paragraphs specifically spoke to me:

"I started off with a whole lot of privilege that meant removing the “you must marry and reproduce young” obstacle actually had an enormous effect. That wouldn’t have been true if I hadn’t had the money to go to college; if I hadn’t had white skin and a WASPy name invisibly opening doors for me all along; if I hadn’t had parents who valued education and valued their girl children just as much as boys; if I’d grown up in a community where women still did start having children very young, or where there was no expectation that the average kid there would go on to higher education and a white collar job; if I’d been gay and the marriage/babies issue had been a lot more complicated than “I’m busy with other stuff.” My example here is a grade-A prime illustration of how feminism has centered and benefited white, middle-class, straight women, while leaving other women behind — and thus a prime illustration of how feminism needs to change, and how much fucking work is left to be done.

But if today is about celebrating the positives, it’s worth acknowledging that it’s also a prime illustration of how much cultural values can change in a single generation, and how much one strain of change can make a difference for some women. I grew up with a shitload more freedom and independence than my mom did. And that is indeed worth a cheer from me today, before it’s back to all the battles left to be fought. "

Today, I'm grateful that I grew up in a relatively feminist household, even if my parents would drop dead before calling it that. Reasons I feel this way:

* I always knew I was going to college. Both of my parents worked their asses off to get advanced degrees and started talking about college and career plans with us when we were very young. Education was a TOP priority.
* My siblings and I didn't have gender expectations put upon us, meaning that my parents had the same expectations of my sister and I then they had of my brother. We were all going to go to school, study hard and be successful. It didn't matter who was a boy or a girl.
* It was CRYSTAL CLEAR that marriage, babies and "settling down" came after you were established and had a life and career of your own.
* My mother was always the primary breadwinner, showing us that this could be done. As far as I know, she never felt bad about having a career. Having that model makes it infinitely easier to deal with putting Zygote in day care while I figure out my next move. Nobody in my family cares, and frankly, they wouldn't expect otherwise. That support seems critical right now.
* My parents pretty much shared chores. There was no second shift. Again, proof that it can be done.
* Nobody gave me shit when I decided to get divorced. Sure, they did their own thing with managing gossip, but nobody told me that getting divorced was wrong or that I was making a mistake or that I would always be thought of as flawed.

There are plenty of others, but those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Honestly, I don't normally think about them until I hear stories about people who have grown up differently or are still struggling with parental expectations that they will get married, breed, and what not. I suppose I am pretty lucky.

Today: Bursts of Spring

We had over a foot of snow just days ago, but it's all melted by now. Yesterday was about 70 degrees in New Jersey, and today the weather held up for the drive back and this afternoon. We drove along Memorial Drive and watched all the runners and bikers out on the path and some rowers on the Charles. When we got home, YG and MG played catch in the backyard, and I was able to get out for a walk. I walked through Davis Square where all the people were gathered around on the picnic benches. The first street musicians were out, and Diesel and Joshua Tree both had all their windows open. People, including myself, were in a good mood. Fingers crossed that this sticks.