Vacation and then Some: Recap Part 1

A couple of my loyal readers (all five of you) asked how the vacation went, and I do not want to disappoint the adoring public. Also, remember that promise I made to try and keep writing more? Yeah.

Labor Day Weekend
I made plans to go to Long Island for Labor Day weekend to spend my birthday with my family. I’ve done this every year, with the exception of the college years, so no surprises. I worked at home on Friday because I wasn’t sure how long it would take me to get to the airport. The subway was a bit of an adventure, given that everybody else in the greater Boston area was also trying to leave the city for the weekend. I could write a whole post about my idea of proper subway etiquette, but that’s boring. I will say, though, that it sucks when you’re stuffed between “I don’t care if talking on my cell phone really loudly is obnoxious” guy and “oh, is the fact that I keep banging into you with my Coach bag filled with 500lb bowling balls annoying?” lady. Add in “hey, ladies” fratty and “Jesus lives. Everybody hates gay people” crazy, and well, you get the picture. The highlight, though, was these two really crazy and funny Jamaican guys telling really bad jokes right out of “The Truly Tasteless Jokes” catalog. They had most of people on the bus we had to get on post-train giggling and laughing, with the exception of that lady you find on every form of public transportation wearing an ill-fitting sweater and sensible shoes. She did a lot of clucking and eye rolling. When the Jamaican guys got off at their terminal, one shouted out “Thank you to all the beautiful ladies on the bus who have been very nice to look at!” Awesome.

My flight was at 6:50, so I got to the airport at 4:30 because of all the security shit going on at the time. I left my very dangerous deodorant and saline solutions in my checked bag, and brought my wallet, journal, iPod and one book through security – which took all of 15 minutes. Then I found out my flight was delayed an hour because of Hurricane Ernesto. Ughh…I caught up on my important reading (US Weekly, Star, InTouch, Life&Style, and Marie Claire) and bought a copy of The Economist to give the appearance of not being a trashy, celebrity whore (it’s still unread). I also enjoyed the best pizza and beer Logan Airport has to offer.

The flight itself was quite the adventure. I HATE flying and usually try to Xanax myself out, but Boston to New York is only 50 minutes. No point in wasting good drugs – although this was a point I might have wanted to reconsider, considering we were flying directly into a “tropical storm.” The captain warned us that the take off and landing would be “bumpy,” but expected that “the middle” (what, 15 minutes?) would be okay. The middle was not okay. After a hairy take off, he got back on the PA and told us that it was going to be “crappy” the whole trip. To punctuate that point, we bumped and bucked so badly that all my water and books ended up on the floor. Thank God for JetBlue’s Mapquest screens – because it was a short flight, I was able to track how fast we were moving and was able to determine that if I was going to die, it would at least be within 20 minutes or so. I also said every single prayer I could remember from studying for Confirmation class – thankfully, God has a sense of humor and isn’t all “Step off, bitch. I ain’t listening to you now.” I would have been okay, except for Insane Bitch in Row Crazy. She screamed and sobbed at the top of her lungs the whole time we were bouncing around. Classics like “we’re all going to die” and “God help me” and “Somebody get me off of this plane. GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING PLANE!” It was horrible, and I came about as close to puking on a plane as I ever have. Bitch also had the nerve to ream out the JetBlue people for “not helping” and “not responding” when she needed it.

But I survived in one piece. Long Island was Long Island. It’s weird to see so many changes to the house – which NEVER changed when I was a kid. There’s new furniture, and a big new fancy window, and an outdoor fireplace. Some classics still exist, though, like having to open the bathroom door and shout out “can I flush?” as loud as you can. Someone doing dishes + someone flushing toilet = poop on the rug.

Given the hurricane, it was a pretty crappy “beach” weekend. It was still really wet on Saturday morning, but not pouring. My brother went out running, so I decided to do the same. It was so windy that I had to hold on to my glasses and the bridge railing when I ran over to the beach. The beach was ferocious – the waves were insane and the water was running up to the boardwalk. I was there for about 3 minutes before it started pouring – making the run/walk back pretty sucky. Thank jebus for my iPod and James Brown chanting “Get Up Offa That Thing.”

Family barbeque on Saturday afternoon at the cousins’ and lots of t.v. watching, including the first couple episodes of Six Feet Under and Anchorman for about the 60th time. I don’t care how immature it is – “San Diego: it’s German for a whale’s vagina” is ALWAYS funny to me. Sunday was another crappy day so we went outlet shopping. Loaded up on JCrew cashmere t-shirts because I’m all upscale now, and was upset that BCBG didn’t have any more of those wrap sweater/swingy things that all the kids are wearing. I had my family birthday party on Sunday night and scored some good loot: a B&N gift card from my brother, a wrap from my sister, and new luggage from my aunt and uncle. My parents gave me something I’ve been asking for for ages – they reupholstered this great old chair I have. It looks fabulous! We also had my favorite – Carvel ice cream cake, preceded by about 60lbs of ravioli and meatballs, and “sides” of mozzarella and tomato and dried sausage.

It was sunny on Monday so I finally got my beach day! I continued to read crappy magazines and eat French fries – perfect. I had a 6 p.m. flight from JFK, but told my parents that it was 5 since their idea of “on time” is quite different from mine. To me, “on time” means I get to the airport, I get through security, I have a drink, I read a magazine and then I get on the plane. Their idea of “on time” means getting to the airport at precisely the time they are screeching out “final boarding call” over the PA. My dad dropped me off at 4:25 for my 5 p.m. flight, so I’m glad I lied.

Back to Massachusetts

Flight back was uneventful, but on my cab ride, I got to listen to some conservative talk show hosts that made me so mad, I actually asked the cab driver to turn it off. The person in question (I WISH I could remember his name so I could flame him publicly) was discussing some recent study that said that a large number of heterosexual men are not using condoms. Instead of wondering why the fuck that is, this guy praised those men and said that he, and none of his friends either, used condoms because – this isn’t a direct quote, but you get the point – “We haven’t fall prey to the liberal media myth that we’ll get AIDS without using condoms. AIDS is still a homosexual disease, and I praise those young men that aren’t bowing down to the homosexual agenda.” Seriously, folks. On the radio. I was floored. Especially when he pointed out that none of his friends were monogamous either. This idiocy just makes me want to scream.

At home, I discovered the first of my presents from YG and the MG. YG, a proud member of Red Sox Nation, bought me a nice new Yankees sweatshirt AND he cleaned my car from top to bottom. If any of you have ever taken a ride in my car, you know that keeping it clean is not something I do well. In my world, backseat = garbage can. I had amassed so much junk – everything from old magazines to a graveyard of Diet Coke cans to a program from my brother’s college graduation years ago. And the trunk was worse. The two of them cleaned the whole thing out, vacuumed, scrubbed, purged and then arranged all the stuff that was salvageable in a neat, storage box for the trunk. They even bought me this crazy thing I had never even thought of: a garbage can.

Birthday
Tuesday was my actual birthday. I woke up feeling no different at 30 than I did the day before. I consider this a good thing. I worked from home and ran errands and treated myself to a Bruegger’s Bagel Leonardo Da Veggie sandwich. It sounds so lame that this was my big birthday treat, but I’ve been craving one of those things since I worked at BB 8 years ago.

YG came over and FINALLY told me where we were going: SAN FRANCISCO, with four nights at this fabulous place! Not only did he plan this whole thing and manage to keep it a secret for months, but he also wrote up a detailed [and bulleted] itinerary. Excuse me a minute while I gush – is he not the best boyfriend in the entire universe? The trip itself – incredible. The fact that the boy knows me so well that he knew I’d get all hot and bothered over a bulleted checklist – priceless.

We dropped off my keys at SKB’s because she was gracious enough to feed my cats while I was away, and went to dinner at Christopher’s. SKB was gracious enough to feed my cats while I was away, AND helped YG get some of the info he needed to plan one of the items on the itinerary. She also told YG he was the BBFE (Best Boyfriend Ever!) so she’s top notch in our book!

The next installment: San Francisco. Who knew that my ho-hum life could take so long to regurgitate?

Linky link

I've been a long time reader of Tomato Nation, and was catching up today.

A good one: http://www.tomatonation.com/amertune.shtml
I'm not homesick, but this bit did make me tear up a bit:

"I had that album on for whatever reason, needing something familiar, and of course I had to listen to "America" a few dozen times -- even though the cheesy keyboard on the live version always drives me nuts -- because the crowd greets the "counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike" line with a happy roar. Every time I hear that line, wherever I am, I smile, because the Turnpike is a thing that belongs to me, the banks of reeds, the big blue steel dinosaurs in Kearny, the rest stops named for poets. It's mine because it's home and it's home because it's mine. "

And this one: http://www.tomatonation.com/dork.shtml
Because of my recent games fascination, and props for mentioning Max Fisher.

"I feel like women are sort of encouraged by society to talk about what dorks they were in school, and how, if we got straight As, we had to pay for it with no dates, and that it's especially important for women to kind of mediate our dorkiness so we don't come off as "too intense" or "threatening" or whatever it is that makes a smart girl theoretically less hot."

Other good reads:
Blurbomat on Steve Irwin's death

And the original article it links to on Daddytypes

Off to New York for the weekend. The magic number is SIX.

My Friend, The Bachelor

Another giggle fit.

-----Original Message-----
From: LinkedIn
Sent: Wednesday, September 13, 2006 5:37 PM
To: XXXX
Subject: ABC TV searching on LinkedIn to find Professional Bachelor

Dear XXXX,

ABC Television's hit reality television show, The Bachelor, is searching for its next star. After viewing your profile on LinkedIn, the casting producer has selected you as a potential candidate.

ABC is using LinkedIn to find its next Bachelor because this time around, they're looking for an accomplished professional. LinkedIn is about your professional life instead of your personal life, so we don't know if your marital or relationship status qualifies you for the show. However, your professional profile fits the bill.

If you think you'd make a great "Bachelor," please let me know by reply XXXX and I will contact you regarding next steps. LinkedIn respects your privacy and will not release your contact information, so you must reply to the email above for us to pass you along as a candidate.

If you know anyone else that would make a great "Bachelor", feel free to let us know about them - ABC will pay a $5,000 reward for any referral that leads to the next star.

Wishing you continued professional success,

XXXXX
LinkedIn

***************************************************************************

My suggested response:

-----Original Message-----
From: JM
Sent: Wednesday, September 13, 2006 5:51 PM
To: YG
Subject: RE: ABC TV searching on LinkedIn to find Professional Bachelor
Importance: High

Dear XXXX–

Thank you for passing along the request from ABC TV. While I certainly believe that my professional accomplishments and relationship status as a recent divorcee make me an excellent candidate for The Bachelor, I will need to decline ABC’s offer because I find myself already saddled down with a big ol’ hozz. Having twenty certifiably insane women “compete” over me certainly does have its appeal [especially the sluts – I love sluts], but my ol’ hozz is about as much of a pain in the ass as those twenty women combined so I think I’m going to have to stick with her for now.

Regards,

YG

On Better Moods and Games

I am officially out of the real estate market. My house was sold yesterday, and with the exception of a few leftover things, my official and legal ties to New Jersey are over. It's amazing how much better I feel. As soon as we got to the airport, that feeling of dread was starting to come back to me and I was anxious about coming back and having to deal with the closing, the divorce, the uncertainty around my job, etc. When I get anxious, I do two things. 1 -- get really clingy and protective of anything that seems vaguely secure to me. And 2 -- start planning and plotting with Excel spreadsheets and lists and timelines every next possible "life step" I need to take. And well....yeah. That works out.

With just this one thing changing -- the house closing and me having some sort of financial stability -- I'm in a much better mood. I'll figure out the money, I should be able to keep my job or at least lobby for a job in the new company, the divorce is almost final, AND I have some great shit going on. I love Cambridge. I love spending time with my new friends. I'm writing again, and I'm going to start taking some classes. Instead of plotting and planning what's next, I've got some time to just ...be.

Other good things:
* Kids Games -- OHMAGOD, I am the Uno afficionado right now. Do you remember Uno? Uno rocks. Wild Card double rocks. Wild Card Draw 4 (in Mass speak) wicked rocks.

SanFran was also my reintroduction to Jenga. Remember those commercials? JENGA! JENGA! We played two rounds at YG's friend's house last weekend. MSquared is apparently quite the Jenga master, but I, who used to be fucking awesome at Jenga, was prepared to take him on. My entry into a new, older and wiser decade did nothing, though, to tone down my competitive streak. Of course, when I get all riled up and ready to kick bitches' asses, I usually suck....and I sucked. I was concentrating so hard and holding my breath that I actually DROOLED on the game. Drooled -- and not the little bit kind, the big slurpy, goopy kind!

I was the first to lose, and was a sore loser about it too. I suppose it would be good to acknowledge how lame and assy that is (to be a sore loser about JENGA), but I offer up the following logical reasons for my loss:

1. Lack of sleep. It was a long day. We all took naps. It took me a while to wake up. I must have been still blurry, and therefore not on top of my game.
2. Wine.
3. Good wine that went down fast.
4. This one courtesy of YG, the math and science whiz: The drool mixed with some kind of chemical on the new coffee table, which when combined formed an unstable element that was disruptive to the stability of the Jenga's pieces.
5. I was distracted by the awesomeness of MSquared's girlfriend's boobs. Seriously, this is the kind of rack you dream of having when working your 12-year-old self's "I must increase my bust" exercises. She was the player of record sitting across from me -- I'm just saying, I could have been distracted.
6. I'm 30 now so my Jenga-playing fingers are no longer as nimble as they used to be.
7. I was distracted thinking about the much-hyped-about food we were getting for dinner post-game. Since it lived up to the hype, it could have made a difference.

All of these are very real possibilities. I'm just sayin'. It's not like I'm going to go out and buy my own Jenga game and practice or anything...:-)

* My first press release went out today with the new company. Woo hoo!

* We're taking the MG to New York this weekend to see a Yankees/Boston game. That's going to be fun. My brother is going to join us. The MG is fascinated by the idea of meeting anyone related to me -- I don't know why that makes me laugh so much, but it does. She's also excited to "see New Jersey."
More praise for the MG -- I hadn't seen her in a while and last night we played games and she gave me the birthday present she picked out all by herself -- a calendar with funny cats on it, and a card with a picture of me with my cats. Not that I'd ever do it, but this stuff kind of makes me understand why you see so many ladies out there wearing those kid-made macaroni necklaces.

Not so hot stuff:

* Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. With the divorce almost final, I'm in a pretty good space and I hope T is enjoying his vacation in Ireland. Still, anniversaries and reminders are just kind of...meh.

* The 9/11 anniversary. I can't believe it's been 5 years. I keep starting to write about how I feel about that, but then I stop. I've also started writing a couple of times about the 9/11 "speech" from Chief Asshat, but it makes me so angry that I need to stop. I do understand that the president is severely mentally disabled so I refrain from using this space to complain about him, because, really, what's the point? Still, I was hoping that at least one of his political "strategists" would advise him to have the good sense to not use the 9/11 anniversary as another chance to roll out a public relations campaign about their unjust, bloody and stupid war. It's shameful, and makes me angry, sick, heartbroken...and hopefully motivated enough to do something that can make a change.

San Francisco Is All It's Cracked Up To Be

Just back from my big mystery trip. As I suspected, we did get to San Francisco and it was just as beautiful as everyone says it is. We did some touristy stuff, but mainly it was relaxing and hanging around with good food, good wine, good conversations, etc. I have a lot of "notes" I took and more pictures, but right now I'm still so jet lagged and just vacation hung over that I don't want to do it right this second.

Overall, I think it's going to be a good decade. I look back at what I've accomplished both professionally and emotionally so far, and I like what I see. But I know there's still so much work to be done. I know what I want. I know who I want to be, and I can accept the disappointments too. I've said some incredibly stupid things too about what I want, and while I wish I could take all of them back and just start over, start new and pretend I never said them or acknowledged them, it's all out there. Maybe this will be the decade of "Looking Like A Fool Is Not Such A Bad Thing." I hate looking like a fool. I hate feeling like I'm always saying the wrong thing or saying too much. Maybe that mantra "it's not my business what other people think of me" will finally start to sink in. But I do care what some people think of me. And I hate taking risks to see them not pay off...risk taking is just so not me -- I prefer planning and order and neatness -- and I guess I have these (ooooh...bad word coming) expectations that when I take a risk, I won't be free falling. OR I won't be so rattled by the free fall. I'm hoping this stuff will change too as I "grow up." So far, my big risk of moving up here and starting over has paid off ENORMOUSLY. I hope to see more of that kind of reward in my future.

Anyway, thank you, YG, for the best birthday present ever! It was an absolute blast and I can't wait to get all the pictures back. :-)

Happy Birthday To Me!

The big 3-0!

I spent the weekend doing some rockin', crazy 20s shit like....hanging out with my family, watching t.v. and doing BBQs with the extended family. That was some crazy shit, yo!

I have much more to say about how I don't have much to say about turning 30, but my schedule is insane right now. I just got back from Long Island and now I'm off to my mystery location until the 11th. Woo hoo!

My Inner Monologue Is So Predictable

I cleaned out the condo in Wharton this weekend. I packed up all my stuff and had a junk guy take away all the garbage. Even though I never loved the place that much and even though it wasn't my dream home and even though the location sucked, it was still MY home. I did the last walk around and remembered all the work we had put into the place and how we changed it and what we wanted to do with it moving forward. I didn't remember the bad stuff -- just how "promising" things looked when we got there. How I was doing things that "normal" people do -- going to college, going to grad school, getting married, buying a house, planning for kids. And while I'm not unhappy to be where I am, there's a certain grief involved in letting go of how things were "supposed to be" and shutting the door, literally, on it.

It was harder than expected, and as expected, my inner monolgue is being dictated by the Shitty Committee in my head. So I've spent the last couple of days being convinced that nobody likes me, that I mess everything up, that I'm too [insert crappy adjective like fat, unlovable, unlikable, ugly, etc] to do anything right, that everyone is talking about me, that my parents and my boyfriend wish I could be more [insert positive adjective], blah, blah, blah. This, of course, manifests itself in desperate, morbid and pathetically sad pleas for reassurances that I am the BEST GIRLFRIEND/FRIEND/CHILD/COWORKER EVER. And OH MY GOD, HOW FUCKING BORING. You know you're in bad shape when even you are bored by your bullshit. Thank you to the people that listen to this every time it occurs -- the fact that yous don't pummel me with blunt objects says something about what good friends I have.
And also why the whole internal conversation is absurd to begin with.
Sigh.

Other things I've been feeling bad about: work. I did a three-day training session last week, have another training session this week, and then I'm off for vacation and back to NJ for the closing (which I think I can get out of). I'm so behind and so scattered, and it's a new job so I would really like to just wow everyone with my brilliance. I know people are allowed their vacations, but I just hate having to say no to good projects right now. :-(

Things I'm actually feeling good about:

* shoe shopping. I walk everywhere these days, and find it hard to walk for miles with the skinny heels. The "pictaresque" cobblestones also make that difficult. So I "needed" new shoes. There's a place called Comfort Shoes here in Cambridge that I stopped by, but it was....not good. I would like to be comfortable and not break an ankle, but clogs? Chunky heels? Um, no. Thankfully, Zappos exists. In my next life, I am going to invent Zappos. I am now the proud owner of these and these. Not my usual, but at least a more stylish option that a Birkenstock. Ick.

* My birthday and vacation. I am heading to Long Island this weekend for my birthday. I'm flying in and hope to do a whole lot of nothing; nothing including the beach, the movies and outlet shopping. I fly home Monday night, and then work at home Tuesday before leaving for vacation on Wednesday morning. I still don't know where we're going, but I'm guessing that it is either San Francisco or Seattle. I'm fine with either, but am secretly hoping for SF because I have friends there and YG loves it.

* Money. Or more importantly, spending. I am still way in the hole, but I'm on a budget that seems to be working for me, and I'm not spending a ton of money on crap.
The shoes were the first fun things I bought for myself in over a month, and I don't feel deprived.

* Again, Flavor of Love. Yes, again, really. Watch it!

I guess that's it for now. I always feel like I need to *end* these things. Jerry's Thoughts or something like it.

Who Is My Favorite on Project Runway?

Note: Spoiler alert.

And because I'm procrastinating.

Michael is the rock star here. Even if his clothes weren't awesome, he actually used the phrase "Captain Save-a-Ho." I LOVE him. Uli is lovely. I can't decide if Laura is awful or fabulous. I lean towards awful, but then I sway. I hope I look that great at 42 AND after 5 kids. They might be the final three.

Things I'm amazed by:
* I can't believe they broke up the Totally Not Ambiguously Gay Duo. I'll miss Robert. He was my boyfriend with his "You Look Hotter Online" t-shirt. Kayne is wonderful, but I'm expecting him to have some sort of glitter and rhinestone explosion soon that won't be pretty.
As opposed to all those glitter/rhinestone creations that are pretty.
* Fucking Jumbles Jubilee and Vincent are still there. I loathe her and her hideous bubble skirt.
* Oh Jeffrey. Words cannot express the full extent of your suckage. If I were still 17 and wearing my goth lipstick and buying Dead Kennedys cds at Alwick Records at the Livingston Mall and you were the guy working the counter at Alwick Records with tattoos and a mohawk, I *might* think you were cool. But I still have enough faith in my 17-year-old lame ass self to think that I'd probably know that you were a tool and would just laugh at your too-cool-for-school persona. Problem is, dude, you're not 17. You're about 40 and still acting like the fucking world owes you a favor and ranting and raving about "the man" and "conformity." Basically, you're an asshole and everyone knows it, and while your clothes might have a point of view, per the judges' take, they're still ugly. AND if you ever made my mom cry on national television, I'd beat your ugly face in with my sewing machine. But knowing my mom, she'd beat me to it.
* Oh, and don't even pull the recovering alcoholic/junkie card. I know a ton of recovery folks. I've been to their meetings. They don't suck as much as you.

Bitchy McBitch

All I want to do is whine.
And eat ice cream.
And watch Project Runway.

Without:
Appearing to be a pessimistic whiner.
Getting fat.
Being disppointed in the dumb producers' choices.

Boston Attraction: The Longfellow Bridge

Last Wednesday after work, I decided to skip my regular walk around Cambridge and walk down by the water. Since I've come to Mass, I go to work and then I usually ride my bike or go walking after work to keep up with my exercise. But the days are getting shorter now, and I fear I only have a month or so left of outdoor exercising. I hate walking alone in the dark, and there's just no way I'm getting up early to ride or walk before work. So I'm trying to "explore" what I can now.

The Longfellow Bridge, also known to locals (per Wikipedia) as the Salt and Pepper Bridge, takes the Red Line, my line, over the Charles into Boston. Blogger is being tempermental today and not letting me post pictures, but it really is pretty amazing to come up out of the tunnel and see the city there ahead of you. I wonder if I'll be so enamored after I live here a while, or in the middle of winter when it's 20 below, but for now, I was excited and happily chattering with people and snapping pictures.

For the locals, it's just a commute. I think of all the things in New York City that I never notice and wonder what it's like to be a true tourist there. I'll always be an outsider in NYC, from New Jersey [pronounced with much disdain], but still, most of my comings and goings in New York are centered around meeting people for drinks or dinner or going shopping. I just go. I don't really notice. Because Boston is brand, shiny new for me, I get the added bonus of noticing.

On Wednesday, I took the Red Line to Charles/MGH and just did few laps across the bridge. The sun was setting so it was prime photo-op time with the Charles and the Pru Tower looking red and coppery. There were still a lot of sailboats out on the water and tons of runners. Whenever I see people running, I'm struck by the urge to run, to join them, but all of my attempts at running, thus far, have failed. Since 2000, one of my New Year's Resolutions has been to run a half-marathon before the next year. Number of half marathons run since 2000: 0. Number of 10Ks: 0. Number of 5Ks: 0. Maybe this year. :-)

I did a couple of passes and then hopped back on the train. It was dark, but I got off at Harvard anyway and walked the back roads home. This is usually my best thinking time. Sometimes I listen to my iPod, but most of the time, I just walk, and try and make sense of some of the ideas for writing in my heads. It's at these times that I think that I have something to say and where I'm witty and brilliant and ready to write a novel. But then I get back home and a few days pass and I'm sitting in front of the screen thinking, incredulously, "what was THAT THOUGHT I had?". I know it couldn't have been "The Longfellow Bridge is a bridge in Boston. It is big. It is long..." One of my writing "bibles" -- Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones -- tells me to keep with it. I have a bookcase filled with journals that I've filled. There has to be some kernel of brilliance somewhere in there. For now, I'm just keeping with it. Brilliance coming. Stay tuned.

Right now, though, it's time for Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs with the MG, which is in itself, kind of brilliant.

Beware the Cell Phone Camera

When it was time to upgrade my last cell phone, the nice people at Verizon told me that I had a free upgrade to a camera phone. I did not want the camera phone. I did not want an Internet phone. I would like a phone that makes phone calls. Sadly, these do not exist anymore. Or if they do, the lovely people at Verizon give you the stink eye for even requesting such a thing so you feel lame and just get the camera phone.

I LOVE the camera phone. It's my new best friend.

Behold Boston. The picture doesn't do it much justice, but it was a beautiful, blue summer day last Saturday and I snapped some pictures while waiting for my Advil buzz to kick in pre-leg waxing. Yeah, whatever, TMI.



And photographic evidence of the Starbucks addiction. Yes, there are a gazillion independent coffee shops out there that probably make much better coffee than Starbucks, and hell yeah do I feel guilty about the Starbucks. But I still drink the Starbucks. I drink the Starbucks a lot. I think the Starbucks hate stems from my jealousy over not inventing my own thing that I can overprice and mass market.

When I Spew, I Spew A Lot

It’s been a while since I’ve had a proper update, the last being pounded out relatively quickly on N&K’s computer on the weekend. A couple of things that have been occupying the brain:

• I officially hate the potential-but-probably-not buyers of my house. I mentioned the dog thing last week – this is all about an EFFING DOG.

The buyers made their original offer in late July, and my lawyer sent the contract over to their lawyer for attorney review on July 24 (read: 2.5 weeks ago). First they asked us to wait a week for attorney review because the lawyer was on vacation (yep, there are no other available lawyers in NJ, none at all.) Then, their lawyer comes back with 29 points of contention on a standard real estate contract. Most of them were just bullshit, but my favorite was something along the lines of “seller will refund deposit if buyer cannot secure mortgage.” Um, yeah, whatever. The final point was about wanting written confirmation that they could have two dogs on the property. My lawyer sent them a letter back telling them about this little thing called “due diligence.” Yeah, you should RESEARCH the house you’re buying BEFORE you put an offer in on a house. The potential buyers did their due diligence and found this statement in my condo associations bylaws “confusing” – “No more than two cats, or one cat and one dog shall be maintained in any unit at one time.” Um, that’s not confusing. You can’t have two dogs. It’s fairly clear. Unless you’re a moron.

The one dog is apparently 14 years old and not expected to live long, so the buyer put an appeal into my condo association and I supported that appeal with a written letter. Done, are we moving on yet? Appeals to the Board take a while, and I figured that there was no way the potential buyers would expect us to actually WAIT for the Board and not continue to market the house. Well, they did, and apparently threw a shit fit when they found out that we’re continuing to market it. WTF? Seriously? And now they probably won’t buy. Sigh. There’s a part of me that’s all “good riddance” but then there’s the other “I don’t want to lose money” part of me that just wants to cry. Look, I understand love of pets. I love my cats and I would never give them up. That’s why – when I look for apartments – I always make sure that pets (plural) are allowed. Because I’m like, responsible and shit. I hate these people.

Update: my mom just called and said she now has another very interested buyer. Woo hoo. Fingers crossed.

• The current terrorist plot and the relating airport scare. Reactive much? I know I should be much less cynical about this and I really do applaud the people that caught the people planning the attack. Still, the reaction just seems very….well, reactive. It’s been five years since 9/11, we are in a war – it just seems like we could get a little better at understanding that this shit is just not going to let up – the more restrictions we impose, the more people are going to get creative. Expect the worst, plan (as much as that word actually applies) for it, and hope it never happens. There’s a pretty good article over on Slate that pretty much sums up what I think.

And yes, I’m selfish. My dissatisfaction mostly stems from not wanting to wait on long lines or give up my chapstick and water to fly or to have to check bags when I really don’t need to. So I’m an asshole? Sue me.

Related: I really am completely baffled by all the people writing letters to the editors of The New York Times, The Boston Globe and others, saying that the latest arrests “prove” that Bush’s “War on Terror” is working and that those of us who doubt that are morons. This is a victory of sorts – I’ll give you that, and any effort to prevent civilian deaths should be applauded. But still, I don’t think it’s too much of a mental leap to figure that some folks might be pissed that we’re invading countries for no apparent reason and making lots of messes around the world, and some of those folks might become so pissed off, in fact, that they might try to retaliate. It didn’t require a lot of brain power on my part to string that together. Why’s it so hard for other people to think about?

• Interesting article about Cuba given everything going on with Fidel right now. (Thanks Margo!)
I’m not sure if I agree with this statement, “One of the most unfounded, pernicious, dangerous aspects of the US propaganda campaign is the assertion that the Cuban Revolution has been the work of one man ("the tyrant") and the people on the island are desperate to return to US corporate rule.” I do believe Fidel is a dictator and not necessarily the leader of a glorious revolution. However, I really like the points the article brings up about how the Cuban people should really decide how their government should function in the years to come and, duh, that they’re perfectly able to do this by themselves without the help of our guns and heavy artillery.

• Operation Painkiller.
It sounds like a really bad metal band, doesn’t it? It is a very strange feeling to see one’s lily-white hometown blasted all over the news,
and it’s a very, very strange feeling to see the people that live down the street from your parents busted for hardcore drugs. I’m not really surprised to see something like this happen in the Whip, but I don’t get the type of drugs. I fell asleep in a restaurant when I had a glass of wine and accidently mixed it with the Bendadryl I took for an allergy attack. I can only imagine what Oxy would do to me – and whatever it would do to me just isn’t that appealing. Do I really need to spend money to fall asleep? Man, I am OLD.
This shit, though, doesn’t surprise me at all. The gossip, the name-calling….ick.

• The new season of Flavor of Love. Oh good lord is that good stuff. A woman crapped on the floor in the first episode. Flav reacted with, “Man, we don’t got no dogs in here. What is that stank?” This show is GOLD. Gold, I tell ya.

• Expanding my circle of people I talk to outside of work and time with YG and the MG. I want to make sure that I don’t isolate myself and that I do go out and make friends. I’ve been taking lots of walks and bike rides around the neighborhood, and have been making small talk with the people that I meet. This is like pulling teeth for me because it doesn’t come naturally AT ALL, but I’ve had some interesting conversations.

I’m also thinking of taking a class in the late fall on public speaking. There was another class that looked interesting titled “Cooking for One,” but it meets on Halloween, and jesus, what kinds of people are going to show up for that thing? Either I will meet some nice people like me who live by themselves but are still smart and witty and don’t wear cat sweatshirts, or I’ll meet some guy who is sad and lonely and I’ll start talking to him and then he’ll cut my head off and carry it around Cambridge in a duffel bag. I think I’ll stick to academics.

I’m also having some “welcome to the ‘hood” dinners with the people that I like from work, and SKB actually baked me a cake. A cake! From scratch! Very impressive. She and her man came over recently and we ate said cake and some goodies from Whole Foods that I “had to” [read:wanted to] splurge on because I was having “company.” I didn’t want to eat the rest of the cake, but I figured it would be rude to ask SKB to take it with her after she went through the trouble of making it in the first place. And I honestly didn’t want to eat the remaining half for breakfast the next morning, but sadly, that was a battle I did not win.

• On the topic of cake, I am back on WW again. Well, I was never not on it and I was never not going to meetings, but I haven’t really been committed to it. I’ve been exercising like mad, but wasn’t doing so well with the food part – so my weight has been at this plateau for over a year. YG started points-counting again, and the first week we did it together, I lost 2 pounds. I had gotten to within 3 lbs of my goal weight in the past, but then the shit hit the fan and my life got real complicated, and I gained most of it back. Counting from last week’s weigh in, I have 16 pounds to goal.

• On YG and the MG – Starting this week, I’m going to be spending Tuesday nights with them helping out with household stuff like making lunches and working on her reading with her, so that he doesn’t feel so overwhelmed. Last week, we had an incident that made both YG and I realize that he needs the help. The MG lost her glasses and it was crazy pandemonium trying to search for them and get everyone out of the house with lunches made in time to catch the bus to camp and for us to get to work in time. He was angry, she was crying, and I was trying desperately to comfort her and still find the glasses at the same time. And ….talk about lessons carried over from childhood…..keep her and me out of his way so he wouldn’t get any more irritated.

She kept repeating that she left the glasses on her nightstand, and I just KNEW she wasn’t lying. You can just tell, and it certainly made me wonder if my parents’ knew all the times I was trying to bullshit them. She kept crying about disappointing her daddy and how he would have to take time off to get her new glasses. By accident, I said that maybe her mom could pick up her new glasses and she very (and sadly) tellingly said, “My mom doesn’t know how to do stuff like that.” :-( I kind of made a deal with myself to not complain about the Evil Cameltoe anymore on this blog -- it's not cool for YG, and it would be extremly uncool if the MG ever found out about it. As many issues as I have with the EC, I want her daughter to respect her and see her as a person that’s smart and capable. And as a person that can pick up some things when YG can’t handle them. Because that’s a work in progress – getting better as time goes by – but not quite there yet, I’m going to be helping out a bit on the Tuesday nights. I get to spend more time with both of them, YG gets the help he needs, and the help should give him more free time to spend quality time with the MG, good for her.

BTW, the glasses were found but much later. She went to camp without them, but YG’s sister found them later that night wedged between her bed, mattress and wall. I had dismantled every piece of furniture in that bedroom, except the bed. Sigh.

• Music. I want to start seeing more shows, but I find that I’m hearing about them long after they’re sold out. Cat Power is playing at the MFA on my birthday, but that’s sold out. Sonic Youth is playing Labor Day weekend, but I’ll be in Long Island. Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah is playing at the end of Sept. so I’m going to try and recruit a friend to see that with me since YG *hates* them. I know you read this – it’s because you’re old. Hee. And Yo La Tengo will also be around end of Sept. Guster just played here, but the tickets were $38. I like Guster, but $38 is sadly, a lot of cash for me right now, so I guess I don’t like Guster $38 much.

• Writing. I’ve been journaling a lot more lately, and even considered signing up for a creative writing class this fall, but I’m still afraid that someone is going to tell me that I really do suck at this. My fear of actually “trying” at writing is crippling. This will be no news flash to anyone that knows me, but I am AFRAID of writing.

So, a few things….I’m going to keep journaling, and I’m going to try and be a bit more regular about updating this thing. I haven’t applied any sort of critical writing skill to this blog – I don’t outline, spellcheck, edit – it’s more like stream of consciousness verbal diarrhea and it’s safe because I don’t think anyone actually reads it. And if you do, I just told you that I don’t think about it, so hah, you can’t judge me. Nice. But I want to keep it up anyway…just because.

And to try and make it more interesting, I think I’m going to try and do at least one entry a week about something cool and new I’ve discovered in Boston/Cambridge. I’m doing a lot of exploring, so I’m committing to writing about it. It would be great if I had a digital camera and could post pics as well, but that will come in December.

No Sleep Til Brooklyn

Well, I'm awake. Big mama is not. I took the trip back home this weekend to assess what still needs to be done with my house, hang out with my folks and meet the WEL in the flesh. He's here and adorable and gorgeous and squishy and all those good things that newborn babies are supposed to be. He looks much like his dad, i.e. good, and came into the world a wee bit early, but I think that means that he's ahead of the curve in terms of development and smarts. :-)

Other developments:
1. I have an offer on the house. It's in attorney review, but this might all fall through because of a dog. The buyers have 2 dogs. I'm pretty sure Overlook only allows one dog. :-( And this is the ONLY offer I've had that's made it this far. Right now, I'm not going to make any money worth talking about, and if this falls through, it's possible I'll LOSE money on the house. I switch between thinking there's nothing I can do so I should just be calm, and then the pendulum shifts and I completely lose my shit. Today is a content day. Yesterday -- not so much. Ah, hormones.

2. One more month of 29. I'm getting excited for my trip. I still don't know where I'm going, but I have my guesses. This is, by far, the nicest present I've ever gotten, so I'll be happy even if it's 5 days of bowling and Mexican food in Milford, CT.

3. The MG continues to entertain. Last night, we did Cotton Eye Joe and the Macarena and the Electric Slide and laughed and laughed and laughed. She rocks.

And that's about it for now. Time to add some value and help Big Papi L out.

It's Arrived

One text message received at 12:09 a.m. notifying me that the N&K collaborative project has arrived. By my calculations, he's 4 weeks early, but showed up around 7:30p.m. and was 6lbs6oz. It's taking every fiber in my being not to call right now, but it's late -- I really hope you're all okay!

Apologies for the Radio Silence

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know I owe many of you emails back and I will get to them -- it's just been a long couple of weeks. I'm still getting settled in and only got my home connection up this weekend, and Comcast is still being wonky so that I can't access all of my sites and blah, blah, blah. I will be back.

Right now, I'm in Florida at a sales conference. It's monsooning out and I need to go get on a "dinner cruise" in about 45 minutes -- fabulous.

The good news: Cambridge is so freakin' awesome. I love it and am thoroughly enjoying getting to know it. I haven't done a lot of working out or bike riding, but I've been taking long walks and exploring. Last Friday, I walked down to Harvard and then along Memorial Drive while the sun was setting. Perfect! And my apartment is pretty great too. I'm still unpacking, but it's starting to feel like home and the "perk" of the pool when it's hot as balls out like it's been this week is such a bonus. Last night, YG met me here and we swam, watched some baseball and had some chili, chips and guacomole and then walked up to Porter for frozen yogurt. Also good -- just a half game back!

More good: still liking my job.

The bad: Remember my movers? Remember how I was nervous about them? Well, with good reason -- the guys who delivered the furniture to my house were not only the two biggest assholes on the planet who charged me extras for the most miniscule of stuff...they ALSO managed to break: my coffee table, my dining room table, a bathroom shelving unit, a nightstand, part of my futon, 7 of my 8 dinner plates, lots of other bowls, vases, and a part of my futon frame. My couch also wouldn't fit in the apartment, but even if it had, they had pretty much damaged it. It was a NIGHTMARE with the kicker being that they didn't want to sign the inventory list where I noted all the broken items because "then they'd have to pay for them." Fuckers.

Anyway, the insurance company will be handling it, and the moving company that hired these guys to do their deliveries said they'll no longer be contracting with them. Right now, I'm waiting for the revised inventory list so that I can file my claim.

Also not good: Still haven't sold the house. Please, please, please if you know of anyone interested, send them here.

Very bad: The Evil Cametoe is a fucking bitch. Period. She whines, manipulates and ambushes, and she's made a very good person doubt his own goodness. She sucks. Because I'm the mature one (mature enough to name her the Evil Cameltoe on my self-indulgent blog. Anyway) -- I try to keep my opinions about her to myself and because I'm not 12, I'll pretend like I don't want to bitch slap her ass and scream, "Get a fucking job, asshole!" Sigh.

Feeling not bad, but not good about either: My new haircut and hairdresser. She couldn't match the color exactly. It's still red, but it's not MY perfect red. And it's a bit short. AND she spent some time with mousse and a diffuser -- that's a little too flashback for me.

Also: I mailed in my divorce paperwork. My lawyer is going to prepare my docs and file. It's been a long time coming, but ick...who says, "wow, I'm so psyched I get to file for divorce. Isn't that fantastic?"

That's all I've got time for now.

Reading: The Corrections.

Listening to: lots of Bruce Springsteen, lots of Sam Prekop, not enough Weezer

The Curious Incident of the Bear on Moving Day

Tomorrow, I will have a home. No more living out of suitcases and tote bins and commuting back to Jersey every weekend. Tomorrow, I (and all of my stuff) will officially be residing in Cambridge.

But moving sucks, yo. Even under the best of circumstances, it's a hassle and I can't really complain too much. I had a minor freakout with my moving company last Friday when I realized that nobody had called me to confirm if and when they'd be arriving on Monday. The company specifically said they'd call, but then didn't. The guys showed (more on that later), and the company FINALLY returned my panicked call TODAY. Yep, six days later. I called them earlier in the day today to see if I could confirm drop off tomorrow. I could not. I would "just have to wait" until the driver called me sometime in the future. Whatever. When the manager called me later in the day to return my Friday call with a half-hearted apology about "being sick" (apparently only one person in the office is capable of returning calls), I asked her about the drop off confirmation. She then asks me if they could just drop my stuff off tonight because that would be better. Huh? Um, no, I have a lease and I don't have keys yet and also, I don't think the good people in my new digs would appreciate the sound of movers dumping huge pieces of furniture down late at night. And then I got attitude. Ugh. I explained that I needed the stuff dropped on the sixth AS IT STATES IN MY CONTRACT and that it would have to be after 9:30 a.m. because I can't pick up the keys until 9. She told me okay. A few hours later, the driver calls and he wants to drop the stuff off at 8 a.m. because again, that would be better for him. Again, I explain that this doesn't work and get a bit huffy when he asks for a "better explanation" of why he needs to wait until after 9:30. I'm not in the moving business, but I figured "because I won't be there" and "I can't get into the apartment without a key" was a sufficient explanation.

I know I'm probably overreacting, but I'm paying these people a lot of money to move my stuff. I understand they have a lot of shipments, but c'mon.

That said, the two guys who did the pick up were wonderful. They wrapped everything so well, and rechecked all the boxes I had packed myself to make sure they were stable. It took them about 51/2 hours to do all this and they turned down all my offers of water, soda and food. Around hour 6, a policeman came by the house and asked us to go inside. I was supremely irritated and thought it was because of one of the cat-sweatshirt-wearing condo hawks was bitching about the truck being there too long. It was not. There was a bear loose in the neighborhood and police were tracking it. The guys waited inside for a while but decided to chance it, finish loading the truck and leave. I also loaded up my car with the remainder of my things and my tranquilized cats. On my near-final drive down Upper Way, I saw it. The bear. Sitting over by the mailboxes and then ambling down the street to climb a tree. It was a little baby, but still, so weird. Just a bizarre ending to a bizarre couple of weeks.

On other NJ topics, it's not a great week to be from the Garden State. I don't know if this happens in other states, but the whole government shutdown, in my opinion, makes us look like we have no freakin' clue what we're doing. Governor Corzine will supposedly be running an ad campaign that explains why we're shutting down some of the State's biggest money-making ventures to fix a budget crisis. Huh? I'm not good at math and/or budgeting, but I HOPE he explains how this makes sense. Sometimes the Democrats make it *really* hard to be a liberal.

Other news:

• My job. Talked to a bunch of people and none of us know anything so right now, it's business as usual. I hope to remain employed. I really do. Employment = good. I kinda love one of my new coworkers and hope we get to continue working together.
• 58 years and 1 day ago, the Bonster was born. Happy birthday, Mommy. This was my first 4th in a long time away from you, and I only wish you could have spent your birthday doing those things you love to do to annoy me: chattering incessantly, peppering us with a lot of "you should"s, describing all your diseases of the week, and reading out loud from the Zagat guide. :-)
• Even though I was in transit, I did get to see some fireworks last Friday night with YG and the MG. Chicken strips, french fries, ice cream and fireworks -- does it get any better than that? It must be amazing to have kids. As an adult, I sometimes forget how fun the little stuff is and just get bogged down in the minutia and spend too much time wondering if I do enough or if I'm cool or what I look like or if people like me. Most of the time, I pretend I don't give a shit, but more often than I care to admit, I do. So to watch the MG dancing around by herself to the band and rolling around on the blanket, legs sprawled all over the place, caked in ice cream and dirt....it's refreshing. YG's friends and their kids were also there, and it was an overall fun evening.
• How gross is that? Me waxing poetic about suburban bliss? If I keep it up, I'm a few years away from cat sweatshirts, denim shorts, Indian dreamcatchers in my windows and a house full of Thomas Kincaid, Painter of Light, prints.
• Yesterday morning, one of my "Internet friends" went into labor. Still waiting anxiously to hear how she's doing/did. She's a lovely person, and I can't wait to hear all about it.
• I journaled ferociously this weekend about how irritated I am with the Evil Cameltoe, and how I hate how she treats my friend. I know EC has a lot of problems and on good days, I feel very bad for her. On bad days, I just want to throttle her with her gross almost-mullet. I've been talking it out with a few people and have exchanged emails with a few others who have been in similar situations. Venting is good. Venting to the right people? Even better.
• I want this. And this. Boobies. Heh.

And last but not least, photographic evidence of my new state of residence. This was a JOKE(before my mother has a heart attack). I remain committed to the Yankees and their 2006 craptasticness, and even wore my shirt out to go walking tonight. Upon picking up my Chinese take out, the waiter took one look at it and just simply said "Yankees suck." Sigh. I really live here.

Did you know that man sausage translates into Manwurst in German?

Thank you Babel Fish. That one had me laughing hysterically for about 10 minutes.

The Movers Are Here

My movers are here packing up my stuff. The cats are yelping away because I have them locked in the bathroom. My family is in Long Island, my friends are on vacation, and YG is in Germany for business. A bit lonely but am glad that nobody was around to witness the freaking out this weekend complete with consumption of way too much junk food and tears, but made better by a pedicure and a Yankee win last night.

It's all really happening. Yay!

My Incredible Sense of Timing

I really like my new job. In fact, that's why I took it -- I liked the company and the company's PR goals. I've been with said company for 9 days now, and we just announced that we're being acquired. Yep. 9 days. This combined with the timing of me trying to sell my home right as the housing market crashes and burns leads me to believe that my sense of timing is less than incredible.

I don't know if I'll get laid off. Probably not, but for argument's sake, let's say I do. That leaves me with a mortgage, a Cambridge rent, and no money to pay for either. Woo hoo!

Pedro -- Not So Much

Beer. Check. Pizza. Check. Ice cream. Check. Pedro's triumphant return to Fenway. Eh, not so much. While I like the guy, Mr. Superstar might have wanted to pay attention to where the base runners were in that first inning. And Lastings probably ain't going to be lasting that long. I'm not a Mets fan, but I do like to see them win, provided they aren't beating the Yankees. I really wouldn't give a shit if that petulant little shit, Josh Beckett, hadn't won the game. You know this guy is a three pump chump frattie, and I pray for the day when he lights up his doobage with his bros and trips over something and breaks his arm. Heh.

On the subject of petulant little shits -- A-Rod. I was prepared to rant and rave again, but I just read (arghh...no YES network SUCKS) that he was the one that won the game today. You get a reprieve, my friend. Just for today.

Baseball theme, but unrelated -- Baskin Robbins' "triple play" flavor ice cream is AWESOME.

Other thoughts:

• My sister met David Hasslehoff. For reals. He wanted to come buy pots and pans at her place of bidness, but had his agent call her friend at work and arrange for a visit to his new show. He did not bring Kobie.
• Job still good. Not enough time to mess around on the Internet, though.
• Life still good.
• Days without Tivo -- ouch. I can't believe I'm actually missing Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency.
• Reading -- Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women of the World. Slate covers it here. She's a bit of a nut, but makes some great points.
• Listening to -- the new Beth Orton. Meh.
• Participating in -- another CD exchange. This is the BEST project I've ever done, and I get so much cool music. My fave discovery by way of a friend in Scotland [via Australia] is The Whitlams. You should be listening to them.
• The funny things kids say. YG's daughter, while watching me get changed -- from my work clothes and underwear one wears under work clothes to avoid the dreaded VPL into my "play tag outside" clothes -- said "what's wrong with your underpants?" Followed by something about why would you want to have a wedgie on purpose. Hee. What's wrong with my underpants, indeed.
• Everyone I know is pregnant. Including now one of my best friends from high school. Yay to healthy babies everywhere.
• A note about my finger. Remember gross finger? Yeah, it got infected and should have been stitched. And turned green...and then I thought I had gangrene and vowed to stop the "I don't need a doctor, I can take care of it myself" brand of healthcare I practice. We'll see how long this lasts. I now know, though...skin not supposed to be green.
• I am more interesting than this, really. I think of things to write during the day and then I promptly forget them. Anyway...