Monday, August 28, 2006

My Inner Monologue Is So Predictable

I cleaned out the condo in Wharton this weekend. I packed up all my stuff and had a junk guy take away all the garbage. Even though I never loved the place that much and even though it wasn't my dream home and even though the location sucked, it was still MY home. I did the last walk around and remembered all the work we had put into the place and how we changed it and what we wanted to do with it moving forward. I didn't remember the bad stuff -- just how "promising" things looked when we got there. How I was doing things that "normal" people do -- going to college, going to grad school, getting married, buying a house, planning for kids. And while I'm not unhappy to be where I am, there's a certain grief involved in letting go of how things were "supposed to be" and shutting the door, literally, on it.

It was harder than expected, and as expected, my inner monolgue is being dictated by the Shitty Committee in my head. So I've spent the last couple of days being convinced that nobody likes me, that I mess everything up, that I'm too [insert crappy adjective like fat, unlovable, unlikable, ugly, etc] to do anything right, that everyone is talking about me, that my parents and my boyfriend wish I could be more [insert positive adjective], blah, blah, blah. This, of course, manifests itself in desperate, morbid and pathetically sad pleas for reassurances that I am the BEST GIRLFRIEND/FRIEND/CHILD/COWORKER EVER. And OH MY GOD, HOW FUCKING BORING. You know you're in bad shape when even you are bored by your bullshit. Thank you to the people that listen to this every time it occurs -- the fact that yous don't pummel me with blunt objects says something about what good friends I have.
And also why the whole internal conversation is absurd to begin with.

Other things I've been feeling bad about: work. I did a three-day training session last week, have another training session this week, and then I'm off for vacation and back to NJ for the closing (which I think I can get out of). I'm so behind and so scattered, and it's a new job so I would really like to just wow everyone with my brilliance. I know people are allowed their vacations, but I just hate having to say no to good projects right now. :-(

Things I'm actually feeling good about:

* shoe shopping. I walk everywhere these days, and find it hard to walk for miles with the skinny heels. The "pictaresque" cobblestones also make that difficult. So I "needed" new shoes. There's a place called Comfort Shoes here in Cambridge that I stopped by, but it was....not good. I would like to be comfortable and not break an ankle, but clogs? Chunky heels? Um, no. Thankfully, Zappos exists. In my next life, I am going to invent Zappos. I am now the proud owner of these and these. Not my usual, but at least a more stylish option that a Birkenstock. Ick.

* My birthday and vacation. I am heading to Long Island this weekend for my birthday. I'm flying in and hope to do a whole lot of nothing; nothing including the beach, the movies and outlet shopping. I fly home Monday night, and then work at home Tuesday before leaving for vacation on Wednesday morning. I still don't know where we're going, but I'm guessing that it is either San Francisco or Seattle. I'm fine with either, but am secretly hoping for SF because I have friends there and YG loves it.

* Money. Or more importantly, spending. I am still way in the hole, but I'm on a budget that seems to be working for me, and I'm not spending a ton of money on crap.
The shoes were the first fun things I bought for myself in over a month, and I don't feel deprived.

* Again, Flavor of Love. Yes, again, really. Watch it!

I guess that's it for now. I always feel like I need to *end* these things. Jerry's Thoughts or something like it.