Numbers. Numbers. Numbers. I haven’t written about WW and my weight for a while because it’s boring, and to be more honest, it hasn’t been going so hot. I’ve been unmotivated and then I was traveling for a while – three meals a day on the road, eating at weird times, lots of drinking, etc. Still, when I was in San Francisco, I got my ass up every morning between 5:30 and 6:30 and went to the gym; I walked about 10 miles over one weekend, I wrote down every freaking bit of food and drink I put into my mouth.
And I gained 8.8 lbs since my last weigh-in on January 24. 8.8 pounds.
To give you some context, it took me about a year to get to my 10% goal on WW a few years back. That was 18 lbs at the time. I lost a little over a pound a month. I just gained 8.8 pounds in ONE month. I have about 3 pairs of pants that fit and I’m totally in the middle of eating a big slice of my own messed-up headcake.
I wish it didn’t matter so much to me. I know that I was able to work out, walk, and have fun without getting out of breath, so I’m obviously in okay shape. I wish this was all about my health. I also logically know that being overweight doesn’t equal being a “bad” person, or an “unworthy” person.
I KNOW that stuff. But it never actually feels that way when you’re staring at that number on the scale and making all sorts of wide-ranging assumptions about your self-worth because it’s much higher than it’s supposed to be. I can tell myself about a million good things about me that I think are pretty cool, but when I see that number on the scale, I hate myself just a little bit.
And that’s so wrong. And so stupid. And let’s face it, so self-involved.
Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. The three traditional practices people usually take up during Lent are prayer (justice towards God), fasting (justice towards self), and almsgiving(justice towards neighbor). Maybe in the next 40 days, I can stop loathing myself over stupid shit, treat myself right and free up some time to help somebody other than myself. When I think of all the time I could be spending thinking about “important things” and not my weight/WW/good food vs. bad food/the size of my ass in jeans….I am amazed.
ETA: Went and had a glass of wine and then went to the mass?/service (whatever the UCC calls it) for Ash Wednesday, and it was really nice and I feel much, much better.