Live Blog (Well, It Was Live At the Time) – Hannah Montana Concert
Background: one of the MG’s Christmas presents was tickets to the Hannah Montana show on 12/21. I think YG might have been the only guy in all of New England to pay face value for these seats, and for that, I am grateful. Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus is like Jesus to this kid, and as much as I mock the greedy, capitalist “anything for my kid” types, I probably would have shelled out some big bucks to make this happen.
Anyway, hilarity ensued.
4:45 p.m. – Miraculously get good parking somewhere near DCU Center. Woostah represent! Blast Hannah Montana CD as to be fully prepped for the Miley Cyrus “experience.”
4:55 – Discover massive pink Miley tour bus and packs of cotton-candy colored, screaming girls dancing and singing. My cold, shriveled heart sighs a bit and acknowledges that this is a little bit cute, but it’s a LOT cold.
4:56 – Aimlessly look around for people to snark on, but everyone is just kind of …normal. Where are the Hummer limos?
5:05 – Head to Pizzeria Uno as it’s the only “restaurant” we know within walking distance. We head there with every other middle-class father with daughter, roaming the streets of Worcester. Two hour wait for crappy, chain pizza. Briefly consider calling Dominos delivery to the car.
5:20 – Head back to the DCU and step inside to try and buy a t-shirt before doors open at 5:30. Massive pile-up. So many girls. The MG’s eyes are like saucers. Still no major snarkage, just lots of sheepish smiles. I was hoping for hozzle moms in SUVs with diamonds and skanky, mini-Spears-like kids, so that I can act all self-righteous and cooler than you.
5:21 -- $55 for a fucking long sleeve t-shirt! And they’re out of the MG’s size. Remember how awesomely retro these shirts are going to be in, like, 20 years – how psyched some college-aged, mini me will be to find it in a consignment shop. I would give a nut, if I had them, to have my Donnie Wahlberg New Kids on The Block t-shirt back right now.
5:22 – Standing around waiting for the doors to open, packed in like a fire hazard. Imagine being trampled to death by a pack of rabid, pre-teen girls.
5:23 – Run into someone I know from work. Confronted with my own mortality. I am old enough to bring my kid to Disney-sponsored concerts. I know people who are old enough to bring their kids to the same concerts. I am so not cool.
5:30 – Doors finally open, and FINALLY, something to bitch about. Woman to my left keeps unnecessarily pushing, stepping on my foot and hanging on my bag. Resist urge to elbow her in the face. Use bag to jam her in the gut instead.
5:35 – THEY HAVE BEER HERE! THANK YOU, JESUS! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
5:36 – Of course they’d have beer here – it’s a sports arena -- but with the whole Disney thing, I was expecting some sort of push for family (read: non alcoholic) values.
5:45 – Find seats. Watch Disney videos. Gross.
6:00 – Go in search of women’s bathroom. Packs of mini hozzles doing their CVS-brand make-up and whipping around their hair and pouting in the mirrors. They are executing costume changes in the FOUR available stalls, while harried moms with smaller kids look on. Relish chance to be the bitch, and loudly announce in best shitkicker voice, “If you’re not using the toiler, get out of the stall.” Get the hairy eyeball from some pre-teens, but thank yous from the mommy contingent.
6:01 – Clean, pee-free seat, imagine that. Value of Disney right there.
6:05 – Fork over $35 for the MG’s concert tee because it will make her happy, and that’s how I roll. Eye roll. Self-directed.
6:10 – Sit down to write, while YG goes in search of dinner. The MG offers a running commentary on everyone and everything, lest I miss anything.
6:12 – We both note that “High School Musical” kind of sucks ass.
6:20 – Enjoy healthy dinner of hot dog and pretzel, with refreshing beverage of choice – Budweiser. Note that I am the only parent within eyesight drinking beer. Hee.
6:30 – “Funny” guy sits down behind us. Made mistake of laughing at one of his jokes (for the record – “these are the best tickets $1000 can buy”) and now he’s cracking tired one-liners.
6:40 – Disappointed that there’s not much to see.
6:45 – Tits ahoy! There’s a mega rack in a tight hooded sweatshirt making its way up the stairs, followed by a pack of three, look-alike small, medium and large hozzles-in-training, dressed in gold sequined tank tops and baseball caps. YG and I stare at each other. I point out the rack. He notes that I am the best partner EVER.
6:50 – Still searching for another beer drinker. Using binoculars, I locate a “husky” dad in a Patriots sweatshirt. I toast you, my bad parenting friend.
6:55 – Just waiting. Unnecessary girl squealing starts when one of the tech guys comes onstage.
6:56 – Janitor with mop rushes downstairs. Uh oh. Who puked?
6:57 – FINALLY, a hozz mom. Way too long hair, way too much makeup, major camel toe. Trailing some Lohan look-alike behind her.
6:58 – Per crappy Disney video playing, I am supposed to “Push it. Push it. Cuz I’m in it to win it.”
6:59 – Thank Jesus that I don’t have one of these kids that whine or cry, and that the MG is, about 95% of the time, chill. Feel almost bad about giving the tantrum-throwing five-year old girl in front of me withering stares, but then I remember that her parents probably worked hard all day and are spending their free time days before Christmas at Hannah Montana. Suck it up, brat.
7:00 – Guitar strings. SHRIEKING.
7:01 – Earplug debate. Resolved. They’re in.
7:03 – Jonas Brothers. Holy fucking glow sticks!
7:04 – Am I ready to rock? LOL.
7:05 – Are they playing “We’re The Kids in America”? Okay, you win. Love.
7:06 – Dude, I would have been all over red leisure suit Jonas when I was 14. There’s a four year old across the aisle, dancing and spazzing out in the most awesome way.
7:10 – Do you think Jonas 2 and 3 hate Jonas 1 for having awesome hair? They have a fat bass player. Love this kid – he would have been my boyfriend.
Cartwheels? No cool.
7:15 – First Christmas sweater sighting. And tapered jeans. Sweet Jesus.
7:20 – Raise the glow sticks! Raise the cell phones! BALLAD! Lots of faux sexy staring. Prepubescent masturbatory fantasies in the making.
7:21 – A Hannah and Lily, wigs and all, sit down in front of us.
7:29 – Ooooh, clip art. Fancy.
7:30 – Just took out ear plugs to talk to MG. HOLY SHIT. SOS. Kids going apeshit. Faux Sexy Jonas does a split. Woo!
7:31 – Only a half hour set? Weird.
7:35 – Corporate shilling video. Go to Disney.com/Hannah and use some shit that HP makes. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
7:36 – Two kids just knocked over my empty beer bottle. Their mother gives me the eye. Me – bad mommy!
7:40 – Okay, I know I’m writing so pot, kettle, black, but lady with cell phone AND blackberry, seriously? It can’t wait?
7:41 – What did people do at concerts before cell phones? It’s so ridiculous. There’s a break and everyone busts out their phones. I am a big fan of the, “No. No. Over HERE. No. HERE. In Section 108! I’m the ONE wearing the white tee shirt. HERE” conversations. Who are you talking to?
7:45 – Billy Ray video. Mullet flashbacks. Sweet!
7:46 – YG is attempting to find me another beer. Beer + naproxen = fun for the whole family.
7:50 – More screeching at the sound dude.
7:51 – Advertising for Adopt a Classroom and supporting teachers. Kind of awesome.
7:52 – Hey There Delilah? They have a video? This is one the wedding playlist I’m pulling together. YG gives me the ax signal. I had no idea this song was popular, but then again, the last time I listened to the radio, besides NPR, was sometime circa 1997.
7:53 – I applaud the woman behind me for being more loud and annoying than a STADIUM filled with 8-year-old girls. She’s hit me in the head for the fourth time. I give her look of doom, and she apologizes profusely. Whatever.
7:54 – Christmas sweaters #2 and 3. With sprayed BANGS.
7:55 – When Miley needs some “rest” after her crazy tour schedule, she likes to “relax” at her favorite Disney parks. Can you believe?
7:58 – Kids start to notice that she’s made her way to the backstage. She waves. The place goes partially apeshit.
8:00 – Good opening. Fireworks. Lady behind me smacks me in the head AGAIN in all her excitement. She’s the MOTHER.
8:05 – Dancers are cute and not all anorexic and perfect looking. The MG is practically peeing herself in ecstasy.
8:10 – We have ONE RULE for this show, per Hannah. We all gotta be out of our seats singing and dancing. I can’t tell if she’s lip synching at all, but she’s entertaining nonetheless.
8:12 – How OLD is this back up singer? She’s cute, but not 15. I notice that YG is completely fixated on the other, red-headed backup singer (dude is OBSESSED with red heads) and I briefly consider tapping her and miming “jail bait,” but remember that these things are more fun when he’s not expecting them. Hee.
8:15 – Nobody’s Perfect. Every single little girl sings along and knows every single word. It’s a good message. I wish that it was being relayed by anybody by Disney.
8:20 – We’re up. We’re loud. We’re pumping up the party now. In pink sequins. And wigs.
8:25 – Yo, Woostah, represent. She says we’re some of the loudest fans. And shit, it is LOUD.
8:30 – The Jonas Brothers come back out. Isn’t one of them her boyfriend? Not the super hot one, though, right? The more talented one with an actual instrument? The faux hot one has on a gold bomber jacket. Ouch.
8:32 – PIANO BALLAD. “For all the ladies in the house.” I briefly die laughing, and fake sing to YG that he needs to “look into my eyes and tell me that he loves me.” Or at least tell red-headed back up singer.
8:33 – The lady next to me has gotten up to pee about four times already. And she doesn’t even have a cool, refreshing Budweiser!
8:40 – Synthesizers!
8:42 – Brown-haired Miley is back. With some of the cheesiest wind machine work I’ve ever seen.
8:50 – Pee break. Still a mile-long line for the bathroom so I walk around and find the VIP lounge where a bunch of displaced parents are reading books and drinking beers. My peeps. Also, no line for the bathroom.
8:52 – On the walk back, I see a mom with long, red white-girl weave (aka “a fall”), skintight jeans and furry boots up to her knees.
8:53 – Costume change. Wish I was still able to wear my 15-year-old clothes. I would totally rock a purple petticoat and Chuck Taylors.
9:00 – Hey Miley to the tune of Hey Mickey. Reserving judgment.
9:05 – Cute birthday thing for the manager, who also looks young and cute (read: my age – probably ancient to the star of the show.)
9:07 – Girls Night! Is the 2000’s version off Girls Just Want to Have Fun? The kids are going NUTS. Streamers! Woot!
9:15 – Best of Both Worlds. God, I know all the fucking words. I strongly resist the urge to sing along because I believe, deep down, that I, with some work, could be cool again.
9:17 – Curtain call, almost like a high-school play. There’s confetti and screaming and streamers, and then Hannah/Miley disappears into a hole in the stage.
9:18 – Coats on. YG is ready to zipper us out the door and back to our cars. He’s a Nazi about traffic.
9:18 – Encore. Barefoot with guitar and horse art.
9:20 – And we’re out. We walk back to the car, and the MG is just breathless, talking about how cool it was.
* Later that night, she hugs us and thanks us for the most awesome show EVER and it just warms the cockles of my bitter, black heart. I remember to thank my parents for driving me all the way out to Long Island twenty years ago to see NKOTB because you know; it was “JUST LIKE THE BEATLES.”