Sunday, December 16, 2007

Ow. Motherfucker. Ow!

This is seriously unreal. I have another cold. I also have, according to my doctor, a "sprain of the chest wall." This happened because of the sinus infection about a month back. I was coughing too hard, and thought I cracked a rib. X-rays showed that it wasn't a fracture, but some sort of gross sprain. Only thing to do with that? Rest, painkillers, and time.

I WAS feeling better, and had started exercising again and helped shovel the other day. But now with this new cough, I am doubled over in pain and totally fucking miserable. I can't remember anything hurting this bad, ever before in my life. It's just....PAINFUL. And nothing is helping. I am also having some sort of allergic reaction to something, so previously-mentioned skeevy, hivey red rash is back.

List of shit I am currently taking that is doing absolutely nothing:
* cough medicine
* painkiller for the chest
* Claritin during the day for the rash
* Benadryl at night for the rash
* vitamins
I also was prescribed Percocet, but I just don't want to take anything that strong. I have a fear of any kind of addictive substance and try to avoid them, if I can. Now I don't know.

So, yeah, fucking pity party over here. I can't lift anything. I'm sitting inside while YG is outside shoveling so I feel like a total useless loser. And it hurts to try and exercise so I feel like a fat, useless loser. And the MG is peppering me with the usual barrage of 8-year-old questions so my inner "shut the fuck up" monolouge is going crazy.

I slept very restlessly last night, and spent some time just staring at the ceiling doing some prayer stuff. I am not into getting down on my knees and doing the normal, religious-type praying -- it feels very "not me" and ungenuine, so I try and have regular conversations. Last night, feeling woozy from Benadryl and coughing my lung, I snotted, "What the fuck, man? What is this? What is the lesson here? I have been sick in one form or another SINCE OCTOBER. That I should take better care of myself? That I should stop hating my body for dumb shit? OKAY -- I GET IT. Shit, man, I get it. Can you please just make this stop? Yeah? Thanks." Then I slept from 4-7:30, but the pain? Not getting any better.