Decision Making

I meant to post this yesterday, but I wanted to get to bed. We had a pretty good experience interviewing a doula last night. I've had mixed feelings about whether or not I want a doula. Everyone says that they are very valuable, but I couldn't imagine sharing this very personal experience with a stranger. YG had similar feelings.

I thought I wanted a natural childbirth with no drugs, but I wasn't really clear on the reasons. We watched The Business of Being Born and read Birthing From Within , and now I have a clearer understanding of why this is a good idea in theory, but I'm still not clear on why I'm committed to it. Is it crazy competitive parenting? Is it because I'm afraid of missing something? Am I afraid of being judged? I don't know.

YG said that he thinks the way I'm presenting this says something about my true feelings. I've told people that I wanted to try for a natural childbirth, but that I wouldn't feel bad if I had an epidural. I told this to him, my doctor, the doula, the nurse at the hospital, etc. I thought this was the truth, but he thinks (and I agree) that there's an element of fear there -- that I don't know if I want to commit to natural childbirth. And well, that IS TRUE. Honestly, I can't imagine getting a needle in my spine -- that sounds horrifying and terrifying. But I also can't understand pain so bad that I would deliberately choose to have a needle in my spine.

I have a lot of thinking to do. If I want to commit to doing this naturally, I think the doula will be able to help both YG and I get through it. But if I'm already thinking, in the back of my mind, that I might want the epidural at some point, then why spend the money? Why add this other person in? I have to write it all out.

Grateful that I have choices, though.