Crystal Clear, not Crystal Meth

I don’t write about work. Or where I work and what my day-to-day job entails. Really, I don’t want to be dooced, and um, it isn’t interesting enough to justify blog posts. If you have been reading long enough, you know that I kind of fell into my career and that I am totally at a loss for what I want to do next. I don’t love what I do, but I’ve justified doing it because of the tradeoffs:

· I got left alone. People trusted that I was competent enough to do my job.
· I had flexibility to be with my kid(s) one weekday
· I was rewarded with lots of ass kissing and people telling me how great I am at what I do. I am horrifyingly embarrassed that this means so much to me.
· Stability
· Financial rewards

Over the past several months, a lot of those things have changed or have become more difficult. I have been thinking about making a career change, but then I found myself in the family way again and decided to stick it out for a bit. Today, for reasons that are neither interesting nor unexpected, it became crystal clear to me that the tradeoffs just aren’t worth it. I have to leave. I have to make a change. I am so tired of feeling like a loser all the time. I am tired of feeling like I am wasting my life away doing nothing. I am so tired of feeling like I’m not smart or valued or have ideas to contribute. I am so tired of worrying if I’m going to burn out like my mom did. I am so tired of worrying if this is the right message to send to my kids. I am so tired of wondering whether or not my kids and my husband are going to be embarrassed by my wasted ‘talent.’ I am tired of taking all of my work hormones out on the wrong people.

I’m tired. I need to do something new.

YG and I have a plan. We have a magic number. I’m going to keep working. I’m going to go back after maternity leave, but I am going to save as much money as is humanly possible while I am out, so I can get out. And I am going to network like hell.

And I need some help. If you have ideas, leads, war stories, tell me how you did it. Or tell me what to do. For the first time in my life, I am willingly asking someone to tell me what to do. And I might not be a big bitchbag if you actually do it. Shit, I might even be gracious.