Sunday, April 10, 2011

Self-Discovery Word by Word

Medicinal Marzipan is hosting this month's series of Self-Discovery Word by Word. The idea is to get the blogging community focused on self-discovery via one word, and this month's word is change. Besides the fact that "self-discovery" makes me think of Birkenstocks and gauzy skirts and raw foods, I like this idea. As I mentioned earlier, "transition" is the focus of Lent this year, and I have been thinking a lot about change and transition and where I go from here.

I am a little, well lot, bit lost right now. The winter is over, spring is starting, and I am at 32 weeks. In less than two months, we become a family of five, and in some ways, I feel like I have to start over again -- learning new routines, learning a new kid, dealing with all the physical and hormonal changes, etc. I just changed, and now I have to do it again.

I don't like change. I don't like transitions. I like things to be clear and concise and SETTLED and I most definitely am not.

Then there's the question of what changes happen after Z2. How am I going to make some money and help support all these goddamn kids? I like to poke fun at the Stages of Grief, but here I am, finding myself hovering in between full-on 'fuck off motherfuckers rage' and 'i have wasted vast amounts of the last 12 years and have nothing to show for it' mortification and depression. I don't know what to do next.

And along with those big questions, I am still the old me: still obsessing about how much weight I am gaining with this baby, still sad that I'm not exercising more, still medicating all of the above with a fine layer of processed foods, and then feeling GUILTY because I am an old lady and I really should know better. I should learn to be okay with me, ride the changes, and then the rest will follow. Right? Easy?

I keep coming up with lists and lists of questions without a lot of answers. I heard that there is progress in the questioning, and that it is a useful exercise, but see above: I want things settled, aligned, clean...and delivered in a nice PowerPoint presentation with crappy clip art.

I don't know about change. The one thing I do know is that things have to change, and I have to be somewhat engaged in the journey. This is the hard part.

1 comment:

Marzipan said...

I love this post. And yes, self discovery does conjure images of flowing skirts and hippy love, BUT I think that you've captured it perfectly here. Sometimes, it is about taking a hard and uncomfortable look at what isn't working in your life, in favor of finding what could work if you could just figure out what the HECK it was that you wanted out of your life anyway. I know that I don't have the answers to any of your questions, but I wanted to thank you so very much for your bravery in exploring the matter and in sharing it will the rest of us. I really hope that it becomes easier, and that you find what you're looking for. Also, know that you're not alone. THANK YOU. xoxo.