Sunday, April 10, 2011
Self-Discovery Word by Word
Medicinal Marzipan is hosting this month's series of Self-Discovery Word by Word. The idea is to get the blogging community focused on self-discovery via one word, and this month's word is change. Besides the fact that "self-discovery" makes me think of Birkenstocks and gauzy skirts and raw foods, I like this idea. As I mentioned earlier, "transition" is the focus of Lent this year, and I have been thinking a lot about change and transition and where I go from here.
I am a little, well lot, bit lost right now. The winter is over, spring is starting, and I am at 32 weeks. In less than two months, we become a family of five, and in some ways, I feel like I have to start over again -- learning new routines, learning a new kid, dealing with all the physical and hormonal changes, etc. I just changed, and now I have to do it again.
I don't like change. I don't like transitions. I like things to be clear and concise and SETTLED and I most definitely am not.
Then there's the question of what changes happen after Z2. How am I going to make some money and help support all these goddamn kids? I like to poke fun at the Stages of Grief, but here I am, finding myself hovering in between full-on 'fuck off motherfuckers rage' and 'i have wasted vast amounts of the last 12 years and have nothing to show for it' mortification and depression. I don't know what to do next.
And along with those big questions, I am still the old me: still obsessing about how much weight I am gaining with this baby, still sad that I'm not exercising more, still medicating all of the above with a fine layer of processed foods, and then feeling GUILTY because I am an old lady and I really should know better. I should learn to be okay with me, ride the changes, and then the rest will follow. Right? Easy?
I keep coming up with lists and lists of questions without a lot of answers. I heard that there is progress in the questioning, and that it is a useful exercise, but see above: I want things settled, aligned, clean...and delivered in a nice PowerPoint presentation with crappy clip art.
I don't know about change. The one thing I do know is that things have to change, and I have to be somewhat engaged in the journey. This is the hard part.